so today im at beths house to do this. mike says our computer wont be usable for a week maybe! im dying and im such a geek.

today was funny at skool. if andrew is tired, he will talk about rape. jon wishes there were enemas in danishes ("IF...ONLY!") beth and i sold the rest of the pickick portoos! neil, ashley, my friend sarah and jon. no more left! except for the ones i have to send to people. wow! and still i have only heard good things. thats a good sign.

i wish i didnt have to do this update in the middle of the day. i want my computer back! =*( tonite i am going to see the vacancies with kevin and whoever else. that will rule. they rock tha house.

the only other thing going on...i hate relationships. i dont think i am made for them. at least not now. and yet i love kevin with all my heart and dont ever want to lose him. i am stuck in the hardest position of my life...for the second time. only this time its worse. more to lose. a worse way to lose it. i am so fucking angry at myself and i dont know what to do. maybe, now that i think about it, thats why i was burning with anger lately and i couldnt figure it out. its all my fault. i told kevin this wouldnt happen again. maybe i dont know how to control my heart. maybe you cant. i wish i could. i havent done anything about this yet simply because i DONT KNOW what to do. im tearing myself up inside and if anyone is reading this, please dont make it worse for me. if you have any advice though, im willing to listen.

i know that you will be reading this, kevin, so let me remind you right now that i love you and i always will. this has nothing to do with you as a person, it is something about myself that i cant seem to help. it was never ever my intention to hurt you and that is the last thing i want to do AGAIN. you are the best person i have ever met in my whole life. i wish we could just love each other and that would be enough.

i dont even know what to say anymore. what the hell is wrong with a person who loves someone and yet doesnt want to be with them -- or at least doesnt want to be with just them? thats part of what im trying to figure out. what exactly is wrong with me. the other is what im supposed to do about it. i cant lose kevin. i cant stand relationships. i feel trapped. i am so completely and utterly lost.

until next time...

xoxo erin