*still a lot of rhythm in these rockin' bones*

things to laugh at, compliments of "the state"

june 3, 2004 - 10:56 pm

i just got done rereading "state by state with the state" for like the 4th time. they make me laugh sooo much! it is supposed to be a travel guide for the united states. here are some of my favorite excerpts, which are (often) mildly offensive but (always) so damn funny.

"if you're traveling by air, DO always use CARRY-ON luggage. the horny young man should bring a blanket when traveling by plane because when he needs to masturbate, the blanket provides coverage, shelter, and warmth for the hard penis."

"a lot of travelers tend to forget that toiletries are things like shampoo and toothpaste, and not toilets."

"the only fun thing to do in all of new england is to go to the cheers bar in boston. thats really fun because it looks like the bar on the tv show. one thing to do is to go there with a bunch of friends. leave one friend outside, preferably a fat one, and then when he comes in, yell 'norm!' just like on the tv show."

from showalter's journal:"i noticed that in new hampshire certain phrases are really popular, like 'open the fridge, mom! i gots ta poop!,' 'dang! my vagina is, like, totally bustin outta my britches!,' 'im full of that damn poop and it sucks! poop sucks, dude!,' and my personal favorite, 'wieners. wieners and vjs. wieners and vjs rule!' not to mention, 'poop's everywhere, man! gotta get that the hell outta here!' and, of course, 'vagina! what the hell????'"

"some people say that the midwest is as flat and boring as showalter's ex-girlfriend, erica murphy. leave him alone. he was a very different person and he loved her very much at the time."

kansas:"yes, the real dorothy grew up and played on this farm! stand on the spot where she actually sang 'over the rainbow!' if you visit in august, a cyclone may just take you to munchkin land, where you'll find the real yellow brick road. to emerald city! maybe they'll make you king! and maybe c-3po and r2d2 will be there! and you'll meet the fonz! you stupid fucking idiot."

"everyone in this country thinks if you want to see some cool things in nature, the southwest is the place to go. this is total bullshit. here's a sample of some of the so-called sights you can see there: the grand canyon (retarded), the painted desert (ugly and dumb), rainbow bridge national monument (a great place for stupid idiots), monument valley (should have been called 'dogshit moron valley'), the petrified forest (arf! arf! arf! that's what you'd say if you liked this place 'cause you'd be such a fucking dork you'd be a seal). in our opinion, the southwest is pretty lame -- it looks like throw-up."

haha. this is my favorite part of the whole book for some reason.

road game #4: lick the seat belts

here's a great game that's exciting, fun, and a fabulous opportunity for players to use their mouths in a whole new way -- namely, by licking the seat belts!

requirements: one to six players, seal belts, a car radio with a digital clock, handi wipes, thirteen twenty-sided dice (available at most hobby shops).

object: to lick those seat belts!

how to play lick the seat belts: players roll thirteen twenty-sided dice. whoever's total is closer to 260 checks the car radio's digital clock and screams, 'PUT OUT THE SEAT BELT FIRE!' simultaneously, all players begin licking their seat belts. seat belts may be worn or not worn, but players can and must lick all parts of the seat belt, including the strap. players may not lick another player's seat belt. players should be careful to lick both sides of the seat belt. the game is over when five hours have elapsed.

one rule: once play begins, players may not stop licking their seat belts for any reason. at the end of the game, players put the handi wipes in their eyes, and sing a round of 'thumby, the dirty shoemaker.'

road game #10: spit in the car

talk about passing time the fun way. this game will keep you spitting for hours. if that's what you want to do. here are the rules: spit in the car. anywhere. on the window, on the other window, or on your lap. it doesn't matter as long as you spit, and if the car slows down so a deer can cross the street, don't let that distract you -- keep spitting or you LOSE.

equipment: 1 car, an abundance of saliva

xoxo

erin

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