i swear to you that i have a real update coming real soon, but first i have to get this out because it's eating me alive and it burns like poison.

i seriously want to eliminate 97% of the males in my life.

i've said this before and i'll say it again. if boys are going to have the nerve to disrupt my already unstable being (even unknowingly, for i am sparing no one this time), then i do NOT want to hear it come out of their fucking mouth that they do not want a girlfriend or a serious relationship. do NOT seek me out. do NOT kiss me (ESPECIALLY the first time we hang out) because you "think it's the thing to do." do NOT call me every nite on the phone. do NOT drive an hour to come see me once or sometimes twice in the same fucking week. do NOT tell me i'm "cute" or "fun" or "one of the most interesting girls you have ever met." DO NOT DO ANY OF THESE THINGS IF ALL IT WILL AMOUNT TO IN THE END IS YOU TELLING ME, "I DON'T WANT TO LEAD YOU ON."

guys can just fucking leave me alone already! go find someone who just wants to kiss you and doesn't give a fuck what happens in the end and DOESN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING FEELINGS. if i meet a guy and want to know up front what is going on between us, i am told not to rush things and to take things as they come. if i wait and see what happens, i get sucked in and spit back out and i'm back where i started from, only i'm a lot more bruised and battered than i was when i was alone. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WIN AT THAT? this did not even just happen to me, i've been dealing with the bitterness of the last one for quite some time now. this is just a delayed reaction of sorts.

i love the fact that the boy i had been making out with for the last few months is now hanging out with my exboyfriend, even though he has no knowledge that the person i talked to him about and the person he met is one in the same. back when we used to actually have things to talk about, we told each other all about our pasts. i remember laying in my bed telling him my story, probably after we had just woken up and he had laughed at me for watching him sleep. not that who he hangs out with has anything to do with the fact that i got fucked over, but it is an unsettling situation, nonetheless. i love the fact that he insisted he was too busy and completely unconcerned with having a girlfriend, yet it seems as though i was just being fed another line of bullshit. i guess he had better tell the new girl that he doesn't want one before she goes and falls for him like i did. or else he had better have the balls to admit to me that it wasn't a matter of not wanting a girlfriend, just the fact that he didn't want ME for a girlfriend.

honestly and truthfully, i thought you were one of the nicest guys i had ever met. now all i have to say is fuck you.