this is going to be the most boring entry ever.

nothing has really been going on, partly because i am almost dying. monday nite/tuesday morning was one of the worst of my life. i woke up at 5am with a fever, terrible sinus pressure so bad that it makes my GUMS hurt and it felt like i was being hit in the head with a pickax every time i coughed, and a really bad earache. one thing i can NOT deal with when being sick is an earache. i sat around the house for an hour, trying to keep myself entertained because i was in too much pain to fall back to sleep. then i tried to go back to sleep because i was so tired, but i hurt too much for that. i called my mom crying at 6am because i didnt know what else to do. she told me to come over so i could get a heating pad for my ear and because she had an hour or so before she had to leave for work. i dont know how i made it over there without killing someone with my car, because my equilibrium was totally fucked and i was dizzy as hell with my earache and all. times like that, i miss living at home sooo much. my mom took care of me before she went to work and i layed there with a cold washcloth on my head and a heating pad on my ear. it sucked. i think i was almost delirious with pain and i told my mom my body couldn't deal with it anymore after 6 fucking weeks. i said i wanted to go to the hospital, but then i fell asleep and by the time i woke up some of the medicine had reduced the pain enough that i would rather lay there and watch lifetime movies all day instead of sit in some emergency room. that was the worst of it and now i am just back to being the same old sick i have been. i have another doctors appointment scheduled and i am on my fourth prescription (which runs out tomorrow) since the first three didn't make a damn difference. i think something is really wrong. i dunno.

we went to yankee peddler the other day. me, my brothers, mike's new girlfriend chrissy, beth, tim, amy and matt. it was a good time. i bought a "mr. bun" book. we saw todd the puppeteer and watched "puss in boots" for the marionette show. later that nite i went with beth, feowyn and johnny to see the vibrators. it wasn't that good. their last show was definitely the best of the three i saw. angie and i went to see criminal authority's last show ever, even though that was the start of my feverish nightmare. it was good to see old friends. i laughed on the way home because i told angie how i used to think those guys were so intimidating and untouchable back when i was younger and first started going to shows and stuff. i would see them and think "i wish *i* had the nerve to have a mohawk! i wish i had friends like that!" now richie can joke with me about voting for summer instead of pedro, fred can come quote stella lines to me all nite (and i can introduce him to stella in the first place, haha), and jon can greet me with a hug when i walk in the door. i felt so old. fucking bizarre.

sometimes i wonder if i am weird for placing so much value on the past. i mean, everyone does it to some extent...but i'm really extreme sometimes and i don't know if that is entirely healthy. beth is almost the same way so i almost feel better, but i think i am worse. you should see the crap i have saved in scrapbooks. i have an entire chest full of spiral notebooks, which have served as my journals for the past 7 years. i am often frustrated with myself that i didn't start keeping them sooner than 1997. the "list" beth and i have is just as good for a laugh as it is to remember specific moments in time. i have shoeboxes full of papers, bags full of letters, folders full of flyers...all of it meaningful for some reason or at some point in my life. certain senses can be tapped so that for a split second, i feel like i am back in time, and that makes me so nostalgic i want to cry. that "u" perfume, that also smelled like the cheap "flower power" stuff that came in an aerosol spray can. the song "having a blast" by green day. beth's old house on granger. lip smacker's blueberry flavor. autumn evenings. summer mornings. a string of christmas lights on in my room while "el scorcho" by weezer is on the stereo.

it's not even that i am just a packrat that can't get rid of anything. if it doesn't envoke some specific memory, i don't have any use for it. i want to remember it all. it's like i could open a museum of my life..."this is from this day" or "this is from the time that ___ and i were ___." i'm weird. i wish i wasn't so intense sometimes.