i have been reading old entries from here for the last two hours or so. because i am an english major, i have been programmed to look at things like tone and all that dorky stuff when i am reading. i realized how much happier i appeared to be, even at the times that i was going through the most difficult emotional strain. nowadays hardly anything seems to make me genuinely happy, and that scares me because i am too young to be jaded already. i also realized how much i have grown up in the years i have been writing in here, something that is apparent in the things i say just as much as they way that i say it. i finally admitted to myself that the thing that bothers me the most is knowing how much i have changed, while other people are still stuck thinking of me as the stupid, confused kid that i was. when you don't talk to someone for years, or have never talked to them in your LIFE, the idea that you have about them is probably pretty inaccurate. that seems like common sense to me, but i guess people can be pretty dense about stuff sometimes. i wish there wasn't such a conflict between the passion for wanting to write and wanting people to know the real me, which doesn't always come across as well in words as i would like for it to. i know this probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people. maybe i can explain it better someday.

i know that i will be very glad when election day is over. at least then, famous people can stop calling our house and telling us who to vote for! first sarah jessica parker, then that rudy juliani guy. goodness! i am also admittedly anxious to see what happens tomorrow. i feel like if things go wrong, there will be riots and shit. i already admitted to beth that if looting takes place, i am counting myself in and i won't feel guilty for being a bad person. i do not like politics one bit, and i will admit that i am not the most informed person in the world, mainly because i have very little interest in that sort of thing. what i WILL say is that i never felt the need to complain until these past few years. did i mention that i am registered to vote for the first time in my life? i can't stand ignorance, and i am glad that a lot of people WON'T STAND for ignorance. i hate the fact that i am dedicating a paragraph of anything that i write to politics, but i never had a reason to care until now.

despite the fact that life is hopeless, there is a ray of light at the end of the fucking tunnel. stella is coming to town on november 15th. fred pointed out how there are so many people in the cleveland area that are a fan of those guys now, and it was all thanks to me and beth spreading the good word. i feel like a prophet, but one who does not wear robes and go barefoot. anyhow, this show is going to rule the world because those guys are funny as ANYTHING. they, along with the other members of "the state," have shaped me as a person and the sense of humor i have today more than almost anything.

if i had to choose a movie to describe how halloween was for me and beth, it would be a classic from our childhood: "the halloween that almost wasn't." the only difference is that it REALLY WASN'T. we spent the entire day, 11.5 fucking hours, writing a paper that was due today and is only worth 10% of our grade because it's really not a paper at all. it's just a damn journal assignment. LAME.

in case you were not aware, this thursday is the season 2 premiere of "the oc." if you are a fan, you are welcome to join some of us over here at the sugar shack for what i am calling an oc "get-together" rather than a party. we are saving all our major resources for our napoleon dynamite nerd pajama party, which will take place over christmas break. still, thursday at 8pm i would be happy to see you at our door. or actually, before 8pm, because if you ring the doorbell after the show has already started, i will make you wait out there until the commercial break so that i do not miss a minute of it.

it is now time to go down to the radio station and see my favorite BIRTHDAY GIRL, billie! i think i had more to get off my chest, but i can't be sure.

xoxo