i have been feeling a little better the last few days, but even though it seemed like things were not sucking as bad i got proof that they really weren't changing at all. rewind.

looking forward to the stella show was one thing to make me smile, but a few days after we found out about it (and one day after we got tickets), we heard that it was cancelled. only the cleveland show, not even the whole tour. ugh.

i am completely disgusted and embarassed of this country we live in. that is all i will say about that, except for when other people begin to realize how badly they fucked up and i can say, a la the hives, HATE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO.

we had a nice oc party the other nite. it was the weirdest mix of people we have ever gotten together in one room, in that most of them didn't really know each other. it was still fun, and included me, beth, amy, todd the puppeteer, tony meda (and mcnugget), angie, mailman, dana, my manager jen, and johnny. we had family party punch and everything.

friday i was instructed to come over to my familys house for dinner because my dad was calling a "family meeting." in the end, all it turned out to be was my dad talking to everyone seperately before the whole family could even get together, and everyone getting pissed off at everyone else and going in different rooms or leaving the house. as a result, i wound up with unlikely friday nite plans that consisted of hanging out with my brother chris, who i don't think i have ever hung out with alone. the last year or two has brought mike and i close enough where we hang out together fairly regularly, but chris and i never really got along. maybe he is finally starting to grow up, which would be great news since he is 17. anyhow, we went and spent a bunch of money at the thrift store and half price books, where i was amazingly surprised to find a guitar wolf cd. rock.

yesterday when i got out of work, i had a text message from beth that i didn't understand that said "did you hear?" i called her to find out that a second cousin of ours had apparently committed suicide. i don't know many of the details, and i don't think i am supposed to know the ones that i do. i probably shouldn't be talking about it in here, but it's pretty upsetting. we haven't even talked to the kid since we were little and used to all play together at my grandma's house, but we would still see each other every so often at big family functions. from what i hear, he hung himself in a closet. he was 19. awful.

last nite beth and i were going to go see a ramones documentary that was playing, but at the last minute we decided we weren't really in the mood to be by ourselves after the news we had gotten in the morning. instead we went to see andrew and ben's play down at school. got to see danielle, and hung out with andrew, ben, kace and aaron afterwards. laughing with everyone helped a little, and it was nice to spent time with those kids because it's been a while. we stayed at the three nails for a little, talking about offering sex, discussing the difference between type-os and spell-os, making fun of ben for assigning kace the household chore of "moping" intead of "mopping," and getting important life advice from andrew: "don't sit on your laurels, or you'll rest on your laurels." or something. haha. then we came to our house for dinner at 1am, making punch and italian zucchini casserole. we heard stories about how ben looks dead when he sleeps, or hides in his blankets so no one can find him and they accidentally leave the house without him. beth and i made up a fake story about ben keeping a wig tree on the porch outside his bedroom. i needed last nite, really bad.

i feel like i've lost sight of everything.

xoxo