so tonite i took this really big chance and ended up doing one of the hardest things i think i've ever had to do. it was messy and embarassing. i don't know how i ever had to nerve to do it. it did not end up the way i hoped, although it wasn't a surprise to me. i am feeling the slightest bit of relief because i finally got it over with and it is finally off my chest. but you had better believe that it stings. it hurts almost more than anything i've ever been up against emotionally. it almost hurts worse than the first time. of course i expected to go home crying, and i did just that. i cried until my eyes were too swollen to open.

i really want to thank all of my friends and family that encouraged me along the way. everyone knew how important it was to me and they stood by me to the end. i would also like to apologize to everyone, because i know they all had the same hopes that i did and i feel like a failure because i know it's all my fault that things ended up like this.

i'm sorry i'm not into specifics on this one, but if you know me i'm sure you can guess what i'm referring to here as the "big event." everyone's been cheering me on for some time now, and the time finally came (and went). some things are just too painful to talk about in any sort of detail. sorry. thanks for being there to listen to me analyze and criticize and sob on your shoulder.

i don't really know where to go from here.

xoxo