so this week is mine and beth's vacation, and i am letting it get ruined because i am melodramatic and i am a fool and i let stupid boys get in the way of all my fun.

usually when i sit down to write i have my thoughts prepared in my head, but everything is a mess right now. i'm sure it will come out sounding that way, and that's just how i feel. oh well. at least it is authentic.

i am always getting dumped by boys that aren't even my boyfriend. it's the worst. i kinda don't even want to go into detail about this one, but i sorta do, i don't know if i will feel better to rant and get this all out or if it will just make me feel like more of an idiot when i read back over it.

it just sucks because for once, for the first time in I DON'T REMEMBER HOW LONG, it actually felt right. i wasn't just fooling myself that it did because i was so tired of being lonely. things fit into place perfectly and it was NOT just me imagining it because he would tell me the same thing. and yet, when i tell him that this sucks because it felt right, he has the nerve to say "yeah, it did kinda feel right." THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?

i don't mean to sound so angry, because i'm not. i am understading about the whole situation, despite the fact that it hurts like hell. and actually, i am surprised that i am not more upset about it today, but all i can manage is to feel so vacant and numb about the whole situation. like i finally had enough, and finally had enough guys say to me "i like you, but i don't want to be with you," and i just can't feel anymore. can't feel surprised anymore, at least.

i'm not sure what the point of writing this was, because it didn't resolve anything. and i am not used to or necessarily comfortable with just pouring out everything that is swimming around in my head without checking myself first. but sometimes it just happens that way, and it all comes spilling out onto the page before you can cork up the hole.

i am melodramatic because we hung out with each other for a grand total of two weeks. but in those two weeks, i felt like i finally met someone that treated me the way i deserved to be treated, and who wanted me to be there for them. we spent every minute together laughing and having fun doing nothing (or something - but still, the point is that i immediately felt comfortable and felt like this was what i had been missing out on, and that it was right. that it was finally right in my life and i was finally having the chance to be normal and happy like everyone else).

i'm still being melodramatic even at the moment. because he didn't say he wanted to stop talking to me completely. but i don't even know how i am supposed to act now. just go back to being friends? WE WERE NEVER JUST FRIENDS. that was the mistake, and i fell for it hook, line and sinker.

i dunno.

xoxo