i never want to talk about anything anymore. which is a shame, really. because once i withdraw from being social with everyone around me, all i am left with is myself. and now, i can't stand to even have that. i used to like to write about funny things that happen, but nothing seems important enough anymore. what is happening to me? i suppose this entry is going to be reflections on me. because, well, this is my diary, and you can stop reading or start your own if you don't like it. whatever. gosh, i'm not even articulate anymore. was i ever?

one thing i have learned about myself lately is that i simply can not take life seriously. i mean, it's just not possible for me anymore. i think i used to, but something happened and now i just can't bring myself to care. i will use some examples, because my english teacher gave me constructive criticism on my last paper about how i should SHOW and DEMONSTRATE rather than just TELLING. so i was talking to greg the bunny about the superfriends pajama party that is coming up this weekend. he was telling me that he might have to come very late and leave very early, depending on whether he works or not. and my immediate response was "call off!" but sure, who wouldn't say that when there is something fun going on that you might have to miss out on, right? my problem is, not only do i think this way, but i am thinking of things in the grander scheme as well: it's only a job, and not a permanent one at that. what does it matter? chances are good that you would look back on a party years from now and say "remember that? boy, that sure was fun!" but who will look back and say "remember that one day of work? the one that was just like every other one? and they ALL sucked?" it's just a job. who cares. i don't. and don't tell me it would be different if it were some great job that you really loved. i still couldn't get myself to care, i don't think. there is more to life than some stupid job, love it or not. and while it sounds like i am being optimistic here (there is more to life...), i guess really im not. because all i'm really saying, in effect, is that life is pointless. do i sound depressed? fuck. i didn't mean for it to come out like that.

it's like...ok maybe this won't sound so depressing like i wanna hang myself or whatever. i am just having a real hard time trying to explain what i am thinking. making any sort of coherent sense of it is just NOT working right now. so...recently i have had this problem where i met someone that does not live anywhere near me in the least. but we met, and something fucking WEIRD happened when we met where we were just drawn to each other like magnets. and we spent approximately 8-9 hours together, so nothing even remotely significant, but yet something was fucking going on there. and now i am here and they are not, and i tried making sense of the whole situation with them, to which they replied "it would be different if you lived closer." and here i am, sitting and thinking so fucking what? what's there to lose? they asked "well, planning would help, don't you think?" and i had to say no, no i really don't even think it would, because plans get screwed up all the time. and life is too fucking short to say "oh well, THAT couldn't happen" because WHY THE FUCK NOT? i live very day to day. i can't say i have very many goals or plans because i don't even know what i'm going to be doing in an hour. i change my mind 4 times a minute. i don't want to have regrets. i don't want to miss out on things just because i did things they way they were "supposed" to be done. i don't want the same things out of life that most people do, or maybe i just don't care as much about them, i don't know. MAYBE I AM JUST ALL TALK. what the fuck am i even trying to say??? i can't fucking get it out.

FUCK EVERYTHING, i guess sums it up pretty well. it's kinda funny to me that i can be saying these things and not be some raging alcoholic or drug addict or just some total fuckup with no regard for anything or anyone including myself...because that's how it's coming out sounding, i know. i just...i can't take life seriously. mine or anyone else's. HAVE FUN. SERIOUSLY. WHAT ELSE IS THERE? if you look back on your life and it is a blank page...you were just a fucking waste.

man, that was harsh.

in a less harsh but equally significant subject for me...i will be 24 in a few short months. that will be february 14th, if you want to do the math. when i am 24 years old, that will mean that i have had the same favorite band for half my life. and sometimes i go through these periods after a few months or years where i don't give as much thought to them as i used to, and i ask myself "do i still love them as much as i did when i was 12? am i finally growing out of them?" and always, something will happen to make me realize that yes i love them just as much, or really, i love them EVEN MORE than i ever have. yesterday was one of those moments. unfortunately, i missed the whole "green day every day" weekend on fuse tv. but i caught about 8 hours of the various programs yesterday, and i had one of those moments i was just talking about. as soon as i turned on the tv, i found a live concert from after the release of "american idiot." i listened to the song and i watched those guys on stage and i got shivers and i knew that there was the answer to the question i ask myself every so often. i even tested myself, to make sure i wasn't just cold because the sugar shack can get pretty chilly sometimes. every time i would get goosebumps, i would pay special attention to what was going on. it never happened during the commercials. i didn't get goosebumps when i came out from under the covers to go to the kitchen to get a drink. it was all very obvious to me. they were playing an old song off "kerplunk," one they hardly ever play live. goosebumps. it was the part of "wake me up when september ends" when the music gets quiet and billie just sings by himself. goosebumps. it was the "longview" video, the first song i ever heard from them and the video i remember taping in the summer of 1994 and rewinding OVER AND OVER AGAIN to show everyone that would listen. fuckin goosebumps. maybe i am just weird or stupid or lame. and i don't care that a lot of people hate them or can't appreciate them or didn't have the same experience with them that i did. that's fine. but those boys affect me in a way that almost nothing else in my life can. i feel like i've known them forever, yet i've hardly spoken more than a few words to them ever. and i've NEVER gotten the chance to actually tell any of them how much they mean to me and what an impact they made on my life. i wish that everyone had something like this that made them feel the same way, so everyone would understand what i am talking about. maybe you do. and if you do, great. i just know that there is this one little band who can make me cry or laugh or get goosebumps just by existing...and boy am i lucky to have that in my life.

what the hell was this whole entry all about? i'm trying to figure that out. don't mind me.

xoxo