what is happening to me anymore? i don't want to talk about ANYTHING! this is a real shame. i used to update about days at a time and have ridiculous stories to tell, but i think that has lost its appeal to me. i guess i will write about new years and why i am slowly driving myself insane, because it will be a good thing to look back on.

a few days after christmas, my friend matt from chicago came to visit me. we met on here back in october, then met in person at horriblefest. we didn't really get to hang out as much as we would have liked to, mainly because i was off kissing boys and he was off causing all sorts of destruction around town. he did accidentally end up sleeping here one of the nites when he got a ride with holy shit! and they crashed at our place, and i will never forget the surprise i felt when i looked up and saw him walk in my door. i asked "what are YOU doing here?!" and he looked just as surprised when he said, "this is YOUR house? i just knew i was going to a party!" so that was an odd coincidence, but it still didn't really start anything.

it was only after horriblefest when he went back home and we started talking more often that we realized we totally should have grabbed each other and kissed when we had the chance. so he mentioned having these vacation days from work, and i mentioned how i'd love to have some company, and that's where the tale begins, really...

matt got here on the 28th of december. i went to the greyhound station to pick him up, and despite the fact that i maintained i was NOT scared or shy about his visit, i kinda wanted to pee my pants the longer i sat in the bus station waiting. i know that he was nervous, too. when we finally saw each other and he came walking over to where i was sitting, the first thing out of his mouth was, "i gotta take a piss" and he left his bags at my feet. yes, i'm sure he had to pee. but i'm also sure he was scared as hell to finally be here. so we went back to my house and i made dinner. he at least pretended to like it, which was nice of him. as we sat on the couch, kinda far away from each other, i realized we never even hugged hello or anything and it made me giggle. i said i wasn't going to be scared, and i soo was! and he flat-out told me that he would be, and he sure wasn't kidding. we spent a long time playing nintendo and trying to fucking destroy level 100 in bubble bobble. we watched "wild zero" and finally sat close enough to each other that i could put my head on his shoulder. awwwwww. haha it was way effing adorable.

the next day i had to go to work, so matt hung out with beth while i was gone. beth and matt met up with billie, who matt had met on a few occasions so it wasn't as awkward as i'm making this sound. the girls went shopping at girly stores and dragged matt around, which made me laugh a lot when i heard about it later. he even bought this great sweater at the suggestion of a gay guy in the store, so it wasn't a complete bust for him. ha. when i got home from work, the four of us went down to tower city to laugh at felipe in his smokey the bear uniform. we drove to get coffee and told lots of stories about farting and pooping (much to matt's dismay). then everyone decided they wanted to go bowling and i did not, so i got really crabby because i was tiiiiired. i watched everyone else bowl and matt beat the pants off them all.

the next morning we got up and got ready to go to chicago for the zero boys show. we had a ride with ryan, which i tried to talk matt out of but it was really the only option. if only he'd have listened to me. so after 100000 setbacks, we finally left and made it to chicago in plenty of time. i got to see matt's apartment and meet all his cute cats. some functional blackouts were hanging out in the kitchen and trying to make me drink beers. when a huge group of us decided to squeeze into one car to go to the show, i ended up on some laps and it was really uncomfortable/awkward. they were playing the new black lips cd really loud in the car, and everyone was screaming along to "dirty hands." that is the memory i will always have when i hear that song, sitting on the lap of a functional blackout in the cramped jeep-thing with everyone singing and trying to dance around me. bizarre. and fucking perfect.

so the show was really fun. the krunchies were awesome as usual. i didn't like shot baker, no one did. i-attack ruled. punch in the face was good but i can't remember a single thing about them at the moment. the zero boys were totally fun and sounded just like you were listening to the record. except for the fact that the drummer looks exactly like a grandma (not even a grandpa) and the singer's outfit was like a gym teacher, it was pretty flawless. i liked it a lot. what i liked even more was matt with his arms around me almost the whole time, two beers in his hand or not. so i met a bunch of his friends and his roommates and everyone was super nice to me. i was prepared to be really really shy but surprisingly i wasn't, hardly at all. we had one of the worst nites ever, as our ride was wasted out of his skull and kept pounding on the door every few hours insisting we had to leave RIGHT THEN to go home because he needed to beat up someone that was hitting on his girlfriend. he didn't seem to understand why we wouldn't get in a car with him when we had no sleep and he was beyyyyyond wasted. stupid. matt and i were up at 5am making alternate plans for how to get home when we thought we were stranded in chicago. i thought it was really nice that he was going through all the trouble to get us back to cleveland when really it didn't have to be HIS problem, he could have just stayed in chicago since, after all, he LIVES THERE, but he was determined to come back to cleveland with me even if it was for only one more day together. in the end, i talked him into staying an extra day though.

so by evening time on new year's eve, we were back in cleveland, NO THANKS to our ride who was asleep in the back seat but woke up to blow his nose in a mcdonalds bag. matt drove his car home, and he told me lots of stories about jumping into bushes and getting stitches (among other things). we went over to my family's house to party it up. haha i couldn't believe matt went along with it, but it was great of him. beth and felipe came. so did amy and matt, and uncle doug, aunt karen and joey. my brother mike had johncap, wags, will, jesse and tyler over. chris' friend kai came later on. it was a fun time. played "what would you do if...?", played pool and pinball, listened to matt tell stories about retards at work, and got depressed hearing dick clark on tv. beth claims she likes him better now because at least he's entertaining. at midnite, there was a toast and the annual rockout in the driveway, this year to "get off your ass and jam" by parliment funkadelic. priceless.

new year's day, matt and i didn't wake up till 4 in the afternoon. yessss. and then, we spent the entire day in bed. it was one of the greatest days ever, haha. we watched "ted bundy," the state, and "napoleon dynamite" and hugged a lot. i loved that shit.

the next morning, i was soooo sad knowing matt had to go back home. i took him to the bus station and i barely made it back to my car before i started crying. haha what a girl. i was alternately happy/sad for the rest of the day and the day after, but every day since then has been grey grey grey. i hate not knowing what will happen in the future, and i am impatient as fuck to wait and find out. i hate that he is 6 hours away when i need a hug, and that i can't help feeling like he will find someone better and forget about me very soon. part of me knows i should quit being melodramatic and freaking about all this ( "I don't mean to seem insensitive or uninterested because I'm farrrrrrrr from it" --m. ), but the rest of me is just a mess. i try not to bring it up to him, because then we both just end up frustrated/confused. but ultimately, every time we talk lately it ends up leaking out because it's weighing so heavily on my heart, and then he just gets upset with me and i get upset with myself and the situation in general and i'm feeling even more miserable than i was in the first place.

we listened to the gin blossoms a lot during those 6 days. because for some inexplicable reason, we both love them a lot.

man, this was more depressing to write out than it was anything else.

xoxo