i think that i realized something about me and my relationships today.

it is common knowledge that i have been largely unlucky in love over the past 4 years or so. there is way too much to be said of all the guys who have come and gone in that time that weren't worth my time or efforts. so i began to think: what of the ones that actually did treat me right, but didn't end up working out? in most cases, those are the ones i grew tired of or annoyed with and quickly ran from before anything serious could take place. but why?

admittedly, some of them had issues that made it valid for me to shy away. but of the few that actually WANTED to get in a realtionship and i turned down for whatever reason, these were all the nice guys that i could tell genuinely liked me.

t. lived almost an hour away, and would come over to visit fairly often. i remember him coming to pick me up on my birthday and taking me to stay with him for the weekend. he didn't once complain that he did all the driving just because i was too scared to find my way to his house. i also remember him telling me that some cheesy pop-punk song reminded him of me. and while the song was awful, for a minute there it didn't seem so bad to be somebody's "punk rock princess." and ok, sure, he went and had a kid with his ex-girlfriend the minute i told him i didn't think we should date...but while we were hanging out he was nothing but nice to me.

j. used to leave my house in the freezing cold before it was even light outside, just so he could spend the nite with me and still make it to work the next morning. he bought me a christmas present even though we had practically just met each other, and he knew exactly what i would want to receive (a pinup girl calendar and elvis sunglasses). i remember telling a mutual friend that i broke it off with him because he was "too nice." in reality, he can hate on the world just as hard as the next person -- and just as hard as me, which we spent a lot of time doing while laughing about it all the while.

b. wanted me to meet his mom almost as soon as we met. he assured me that she would love me. he yelled at the mutual friend that introduced us for not introducing us SOONER. he wanted to see me every day and stood through an entire show he had no interest in just because i wanted to go and he could hang out with me if he went.

so what went wrong here, folks? the conclusion i came up with was this: i think that subconsciously, i was connecting every really nice guy to kevin. when kevin and i dated, from the time i was 15 until it was finally offically over when i was 20, he was the nicest boy i could have ever hoped to meet. he went out of his way to make sure i was happy all the damn time. and i was a total brat and took advantage of this time after time, but i had one of the sweetest boyfriends ever. i don't want to sell myself short because i went above and beyond for him, too...though probably not as unconditionally and consistently as kevin did for me.

i think that when i realized that a boy like this who would put me at the very top of his priorities could just up and leave me after five years (and become a completely different person, to boot), i became pretty traumatized from this. after all, it took pretty damn near 3 years just to let go of all that after it was over. i think i am scared that these boys who treat me the way i deserve to be treated will end up doing what kevin did, and i run away before i even let them get close to me.

yes, there are other factors, i'm sure...but i think this might be why the nice ones always end up getting turned away by me while the dirtbags are the ones i am trying to win over. fucking lame. i don't want to live like that anymore.

and i don't want to push this new "nice one" away. i guess that is why i was questioning him pretty hardcore today, wondering what it was he even saw in me. when someone tells me "i see a lot to like in you. a lot" i should really appreciate the fact that someone is telling me that and being sincere. i don't want to spend my whole life getting scared and running away from what i have been missing the most all these years.

i want to be in love again. i want to let myself.

i've been waiting a long time